Today, I’m not expressing myself through either poetry or prose. This is just a raw post, of me talking to- not my brain this time- but to you. With no literary coverings. If that’s not what you’d like to read, you can just skip this post- I won’t hold it against you. I promise.
So you’re still here, aren’t you? Thanks for being with me. Now let’s get to the point.
Originally I’d planned for this post to be ‘Swag- and other things that piss me off’, but if I were to create a list of things that merely piss me off, it’d be too long. So here I am, telling you about things that actually, biologically, turn me into a demon. Yes, I’m a werewolf and these things turn me from girl to beast- not the full moon (Hollywood got that wrong, by the way). Now I do realise I should’ve told you that earlier, but I figured you’d be so scared you’d unfollow me. But now I’m telling you because you’ve been with me long enough to develop a liking for my writing, so I assume I can safely tell you the truth about myself.
Let’s start with ‘swag’. It’s a popular word in India that Gen-Z uses for ‘a cool attitude’. And people use that word to seem cool. In my opinion, they fail miserably. Whenever someone says ‘swag’, I instantly place them in my mental Douchebag Hall of Fame. Not just that- as I told you before, I turn into a beast. It goes something like this:
Me: Hi, Sandy! (just a random name I made up) Are you free right now? This electromagnetism thing just won’t go into my head. Think you could explain it to me?
Sandy (keep in mind that Sandy is my good friend): I’m so sorry, Anisha. I promised to help Addy (another name I made up) for his singing competition tomorrow.
Me: Hey! Since when did you start singing?
Sandy: Oh no, I’m not. Addy’s got a great voice, but he can’t rock the show- he hasn’t got swag, you know. I’m helping him with his swag.
Me: You had to say that word, didn’t you? (face elongates into snout, body morphs into a wolf’s, tail grows out) HOWWWWLLL! GRRR…. (snaps at Sandy and chews him up).
So there you have it- now you know what not to say when you’re talking to me. Oh wait- you don’t. If I really like you as a person, I might forgive you for one or two ‘swags’. But whatever you do, even if you’re my best friend, never do one thing. Do. Not. Insult. My. Fandoms.
Me: Hi! I’m hoping you didn’t forget what I told you yesterday?
Me: I told you to watch Friends- did you watch it?
Sandy: Oh, that. Yes, I did. But I didn’t like it much. It’s just senseless comedy. The characters are so dumb. Ross- more like Gross…
Me: Be prepared to roll in your grave. (face elongates into snout, body morphs into a wolf’s, tail grows out) HOWWWWLLL! GRRR…. (picks Sandy up, tosses him to the floor and claws his face before burying him in the ground).
I totally get it if you don’t like something I do. But express it in a respectful way. Say something like ‘I didn’t like it much. Maybe I’m just not the type for it’. And I promise you’ll go home in a single piece. But if you insult my fandoms like poor Sandy in the example, forget about a single piece- you won’t even go home.
Then we have those people- not fit to be called ‘people’- who think it’s cool to not care about the environment. These arseholes take long showers, leave the lights on in a room, burst firecrackers on Diwali, and throw trash on the street. Let me tell you one thing, bishes- if you don’t care about the environment, the environment won’t give a euglena’s eyelash about you. It’ll toss you like that empty packet you tossed on the street. I could go on and on about this- how our coral reefs are dying, baby penguins are starving, we’re having to look for a planet to colonise, new diseases are emerging- all because of such jellyfish-brained tadpoles- but we have to move on to other things.
Sexism is another thing that could potentially put your life in danger. There are a lot of faults with third-wave feminism- like women focusing on the right to run around topless instead of empowering women where it’s actually needed- and I’m not talking about those. That’s plain stupid. What else is plain stupid is this-
Sandy (lifting something heavy): Umph… this box is so heavy.
Me: Wait, dude. Let me help you with it.
Sandy: Oh, no, thanks. I’ll get one of the guys to do it. Girls can’t lift much load.
Me: Watch me, sucker. (face elongates into snout, body morphs into a wolf’s, tail grows out) HOWWWWLLL! GRRR…. (picks him up and throws him out the second-floor window).
That’s all I have for you today. Tell me in the comments below if any of these things inflame you too, or what else turns you into a demon (figuratively, of course. I know you’re not a werewolf like me).